There’s good news and there’s weird news, but the good far outweighs the strange.
The vet called today with the results of Chunky’s bloodwork. And the good news is… no cancer! No cancer! Hooray!
However… there is something. Something weird. Something that would only happen to my cat.
You remember the Tree Man? The dude who grew bark? Yep – Chunky has that disease.
Seriously.
He has Feline Pappiloma Virus, the cat equivalent of HPV, which causes cervical cancer and, sometimes, weird skin warts. It is not deadly, but there is no known cure. The warts will more than likely come back, but they are not cancerous or life-threatening.
They can’ t tell when Chunky picked up the virus, but the vet said it might have been laying dormant since he was a kitten. She also assured me that if ‘Shimi doesn’t already have it, she probably won’t get it.
So, all in all, great news. But still, wtf? I can’t believe my cat has the Tree Disease. Although, knowing it’s not big, scary, deadly, expensive cancer will most assuredly help me sleep tonight. The big snuggly kitty next to me will help, too. 
Hooray no cancer!
Tree Man Disease? That’s pretty random.
So, do you just keep cutting them off when they get big or will fluffy Chunk look like he has bark for fur?
Dude, for reals. My cat can never have, like, a normal stomachache. He has to get the weirdest, rarest diseases just to make my life interesting. So, thanks, Chunk?
The vet said I can keep cutting them off, if I want, but since they don’t hurt him and aren’t deadly, there’s no harm in letting them grow. Maybe I’ll have to take him in for a yearly “trimming.” HA! GET IT?! LIKE A TREE!
Crazy! CRAZY! Who gets that? Tree man and Chunky! Can you milk this for profit? Tree cat!
Yeah, I feel like there’s some sort of reality TV show in all of this…
That’s so weird! Tree cat!